Cheating: why it makes us feel insecure – and how to stop it

He wanted to go down on me. And I said 'no.' Not because I didn't want to—but because I felt uncomfortable. Sound familiar?

That moment when someone wants to go down, and you think: “Shit. What if my vagina smells?'' or What if I look weird?” — it's a moment that so many more women experience than we openly admit. And that's exactly the problem.

Oral sex should be something to enjoy. But for many women, it’s associated with shame, losing control, and mental blocks. One of the biggest obstacles? The pressure to orgasm. And to do it quickly.

Many women get so caught up in their heads during oral sex that relaxing becomes impossible. They think: "It's taking too long", "I don't feel anything yet, maybe the other person will think they're doing something wrong", "Maybe I should just fake it". And it's exactly those thoughts that make it not work. It's a vicious cycle: you feel pressure, you get tense, you can't finish — and that makes it feel like you're 'failing'.

That's why it's important to let go of performance pressure. Pleasure isn't a race. And you're not a project that needs to be finished. It's okay if it takes time. It's okay if things go slowly. It's okay if you just want to relax without a goal.

Do you ever feel self-conscious about odor? Especially when it comes to oral sex, a lot of women can relate. But often, that insecurity is more in our heads than in our bodies. An unpleasant smell usually happens when your vagina’s pH balance is off—or when your hormones fluctuate, like from stress, changes in your cycle, or your diet.

In that case, a probiotic supplement like Balance provide support. Balance is specially developed to enhance your scent from within, keep your pH level balanced, and restore your confidence — without harsh soaps or complicated routines.

Want to learn more? Check out our collection of hormone balance supplements.

Time to break it open.

In this article, we dive into:

• Why so many women feel uncomfortable with oral sex
• Common thoughts and doubts (you're not crazy)
• How to relax and enjoy life again—on your own terms
• What you can say to your partner to talk about it without awkwardness

Why we freeze up when someone wants to go down on us

Let's be honest: oral sex is often portrayed as the ultimate female pleasure. In movies, in books, in memes. But what you don't see there are the thoughts that can race through your mind when the moment arrives:

• "I'm not clean-shaven there at all."
• "I feel unclean."
• "What if the other person thinks I smell weird or taste bad?"
• "What if it takes a long time and I don't feel anything?"
• "What if the other person thinks I'm 'too much' when I make noise?"
• "What if the other person thinks I'm 'not enough' if I don't make any noise?"

These thoughts aren't the exception. They're the norm for many women. And it's rarely about someone else — it's about ourselves. About our body image. About control. About never having learned what it's like to received.

We grow up thinking that sex is 'for two,' but in reality, we mostly learn how to please someone else. For many women, truly receiving a vaginal massage can feel vulnerable. Oral sex exposes that—literally and figuratively.

The shame runs deeper than you think

Shame around oral sex is often not rational. It's a mix of:

• Cultural conditioning ("It should be tidy down there")
• Porn expectations (smooth vulvas, zero reaction, perfect poses)
• Physical insecurity (think about smell, moisture, appearance)
• The fear of being watched or judged

And above all: most of us were never taught how to say what we need. Or that it’s okay to just receive, without ‘having to give something back’.

As long as that's not allowed, relaxing is impossible. And without relaxation... no enjoyment.

How do you let go and actually enjoy yourself?

1. Remember: you're not alone

If you've ever felt uncomfortable during oral sex — you're definitely not alone. Realizing that is step one. Your body isn't weird. Your reactions aren't weird. Feeling embarrassed is understandable, but not necessary.

2. Get out of your head and focus on the feeling

Your mind thinks, but your body feels. And during oral sex, it's often your mind that takes over: worrying about how you look, how you smell, or how long it's taking. But it's your body that really wants to enjoy it.

Focus your attention on what's happening. On the feeling of that tongue. On the spot where it touches, how gentle or rhythmic it is. If you notice your mind wandering, gently bring yourself back to your body. What do you feel? Where is it? What changes when you breathe, move your hips, or close your eyes?

That's not airy-fairy, that's pure feeling. And it helps you stay present in your body—right where the pleasure begins and where you want to focus.

3. Start your solo adventure

Sometimes it helps to first discover what you enjoy yourself. Use a gentle stimulator like Flicker, an air pressure vibrator for targeted clitoral stimulation. This way, you can safely explore what you like—without anyone watching.

"I always thought oral sex wasn't for me. Until I discovered what I actually enjoyed. After that, I felt more confident than ever." – NUMY woman

4. Practice receiving without a goal

Let go of the idea of 'finishing.' It's not about performance. Let someone touch you, with no goal in mind. Ask for gentle kisses. Let someone just be present with your body — that's already exciting enough.

What do you say to your partner?

Talking about oral sex feels uncomfortable for many women. You don't want to come across as 'difficult' or 'critical.' But communication doesn't have to be heavy—it can actually be gentle, honest, and connecting.

Let your partner know that sometimes you're in your head, even when you're enjoying yourself. That you're working on relaxing, and it helps if your partner knows what you like. What really makes a difference is in-the-moment coaching. It might sound like a big deal, but it's actually the little phrases that help you get out of your head and help your partner tune in to you better.

Tell your partner what you like —  in the moment

You don't have to give a perfect explanation. Sometimes just one sentence is enough to guide your partner. And if you really want to be bold: take your partner's head and place it where it feels best for you. Not because you have to explain anything, but because you know what your body wants.

Phrases you can use:

• "What you're doing right now, I really like that."
• “Do you want to keep going like this for a bit longer?”
• “A little softer, there. Yeah, I like that.”

And it can be a bit more playful too:

• ''Stay there. Mandatory.''
• "You have no idea what you're doing to me right now."
• "And now with your fingers there. Yes, right there."
• "I love it when you kiss or lick me there"
• "If you stop now, I'll fight you."

The more you share what works for you, the easier it is to get out of your head and focus on the sensations. And that's exactly where relaxation begins.

A few reminders for when you start doubting yourself again

• You don't have to look 'perfect' to deserve to enjoy yourself
• Your partner wants to go down on you because they want you — not because you have to meet certain conditions
• You can say what you need. That’s not being ‘difficult’. That’s just communicating.
• You're not ungrateful for setting a boundary
• Happiness starts with you — but you don't have to do it alone

Finally: barking can be softer, more honest, and freer

We're done pretending we have all the answers. Or that oral always feels amazing. It doesn't. And that's okay.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, know this: you’re not broken. You’re human. And the fact that you’re reading this means you’re ready to do things differently. In your own way. At your own pace. No shame.

And that, woman, is exactly where true sexual freedom begins. 🖤