Cheating: why it makes us feel insecure – and how to stop it

He wanted to go down on me. And I said ‘no’. Not because I didn’t want to — but because I felt uncomfortable. Sound familiar?

The moment someone wants to go down on you, and you think: “Shit. What if my vagina smells?” or “What if I look weird?” — it’s a moment that way more women experience than we say out loud. And that’s exactly the problem.

Oral sex should be something you get to enjoy. But for many women it equals shame, losing control, and shutting down. One of the biggest blocks? The idea that you have to come. And fast.

During oral sex, so many women get so stuck in their head that it becomes impossible to relax. They think: "It’s taking too long", "I’m not feeling anything yet, soon they’ll think they’re doing something wrong", "Maybe I should just fake it". And those exact thoughts are what make it not work. It’s a vicious circle: you feel pressure, you tense up, you don’t come — and that feels like you ‘fail’.

That’s why it’s important to let go of that performance pressure. Pleasure isn’t a race. And you’re not a project that needs to be finished. It’s okay if it takes time. It’s okay if it’s slow. It’s okay if you just want to relax with no goal.

Feeling insecure about your scent? Especially around oral sex, that’s something a lot of women recognize. But often that insecurity is more in our head than in our body. An unpleasant smell usually happens because your vaginal pH is out of balance — or because your hormones are fluctuating, for example due to stress, cycle changes, or diet.

In that case, a probiotics supplement like Balance offer support. Balance is specially developed to improve your scent from the inside out, keep your pH level balanced, and bring back your confidence — without harsh soap or complicated routines.

Want to go deeper into this? Then check out our collection of hormonen in balans supplementen.

Time to crack it open.

In this article, we dive into:

• Why so many women feel uncomfortable with oral sex
• Which thoughts and insecurities often pop up (you’re not crazy)
• How to relax again and enjoy — on your terms
• What you can say to your partner to talk about it without awkwardness

Why we freeze up when someone wants to go down on us

Let’s be honest: going down on you is often framed as the ultimate female pleasure. In movies, in books, in memes. But what you don’t see are the thoughts that can start racing through your head when the moment is actually there:

• “I’m not shaved smooth down there at all.”
• “I don’t feel fresh.”
• “What if the other person thinks I smell weird or taste gross?”
• “What if it takes a long time and I don’t feel anything?”
• “What if the other person thinks I’m ‘too much’ if I do make sound?”
• ''What if the other person thinks I’m ‘not enough’ if I don’t make any sound?''

These thoughts aren’t the exception. They’re the norm for many women. And it’s rarely about the other person — it’s about ourselves. About our body image. About control. About not having learned what it’s like to receive.

We grow up with the idea that sex is ‘for two’, but in practice we mostly learn how to please someone else. Receiving a real vagina massage can feel vulnerable for a lot of women because of that. Oral brings that to the surface. Literally and figuratively.

The shame runs deeper than you think

Shame around oral often isn’t rational. It’s a mix of:

• Cultural conditioning (“It’s supposed to be tidy down there”)
• Porn expectations (smooth vulvas, zero reaction, perfect poses)
• Body insecurity (think: smell, wetness, appearance)
• The fear of being watched or judged

And above all: we’ve almost never been taught to say what we need. Or that it’s okay to simply receive, without ‘having to do something back’.

As long as that isn’t allowed to exist, relaxing is impossible. And without relaxation… no pleasure.

How do you let go and actually enjoy it?

1. Realize: you’re not the only one

If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable during oral — you are so not alone. Realizing that is step one. Your body isn’t weird. Your reactions aren’t weird. Your shame makes sense, but it’s not necessary.

2. Get out of your head and focus on the feeling

Your mind thinks, but your body feels. And during oral sex it’s often your mind that takes over: thoughts about how you look, smell, or how long it’s taking. While it’s your body that wants to enjoy.

Focus your attention on what’s happening. On the feeling of that tongue. On the spot where it touches, how soft or rhythmic it is. If you notice your thoughts drifting, gently bring yourself back to the physical. What do you feel? Where is it? What changes when you breathe, move your hips, or close your eyes?

That’s not woo-woo, that’s pure feeling. And it helps you stay present in your body – exactly where pleasure happens and where you want to focus.

3. Start with solo exploration

Sometimes it helps to first discover for yourself what feels good. Use a gentle stimulator like Flicker, an air pressure vibrator for targeted clitoral stimulation. This way you can safely discover what you like — without anyone watching.

"I always thought oral wasn’t for me. Until I discovered for myself what I enjoyed. After that, I felt more confident than ever." – NUMY woman

4. Practice receiving with no goal

Let go of the idea of “coming.” It’s not about performance. Let someone touch you, without a goal. Ask for soft kisses. Let someone be present with your body — that alone is exciting enough.

What do you say to your partner?

Talking about oral feels uncomfortable for a lot of women. You don’t want to come across as “difficult” or “critical.” But communication doesn’t have to be heavy — it can be soft, honest, and connecting.

Let them know you sometimes get in your head, even when you’re enjoying it. That you’re working on relaxing, and that it helps if your partner knows what you like. What really helps is coaching in the moment. That sounds like a big thing, but it’s exactly the small lines that get you out of your head — and help the other person tune into you better.

Tell your partner what you like — in the moment

You don’t need a perfect explanation. One sentence can be enough to guide your partner. And if you really want to be bold: take your partner’s head and place it on the spots that feel best for you. Not because you have to explain anything, but because you know what your body wants.

Lines you can use:

• “What you’re doing right now — I like that.”
• “Do you want to keep going like that for a bit longer?”
• “A tiny bit softer, there. Yes, I like that”

And a little more playful is fine too:

• “Stay there. Mandatory.”
• “You have no idea what you’re doing to me right now.”
• "And now add your fingers. Yes, right there."
• “I love it when you kiss or lick me there”
• "If you stop now, I’m suing you."

The more you say what works, the more you can get out of your head and put the focus on the sensations. And that’s exactly where relaxation begins.

A few reminders for when you start doubting again

• You don’t have to look “perfect” to deserve pleasure
• Your partner wants to go down on you because they want you — not because you have to meet certain conditions
• You get to say what you need. That’s not “being difficult.” That’s communicating.
• You’re not ungrateful for setting a boundary
• Pleasure starts with you — but you don’t have to do it alone

Finally: oral can be softer, more honest, and freer

We’re done pretending we’ve got it all figured out. Or that oral always just feels good by default. It doesn’t. And that’s okay.

If you’ve ever felt blocked — know this: you’re not broken. You’re human. And the fact that you’re reading this means you’re ready to do it differently. Your way. In your time. Without shame.

And that, woman, is exactly where real sexual freedom begins. 🖤